It feels like I discovered an imaginary key I kept from myself for five years until I finally had the courage to set myself free. I used to constantly worry about having to censor what came out of mouth. It feels so good to whisper over to my friends when a cute guy walks by. Not only that but the freedom to talk about dating, relationships and sex openly. It’s vital to express your emotions instead of hoarding them.
I can remember every sensation, emotion, thought and fear that flooded my brain on June 30th, 2010. The night I came out for the very first time. It was around midnight and I had my room locked and I was rocking back and forth on my bed with my eyes shut as tight as I could make them. The thought of telling someone about my sexuality was the most terrifying thing in the world. It was my biggest fear.
I had to physically carry myself into the family room where my brother was watching tv. I sat down in the chair across the room from him. After a while he sat up and told me he was going to bed. The entire time I sat on the chair I was having a mental breakdown. As he started walking past me I said his name followed by “I need to tell you something.” He looked at me and immediately knew something was wrong. “I’ll go get my shoes.”
He walked out of my sight and I began trembling. I remember holding onto the front doorknob and feeling how sweaty my hands had gotten. My brother walked back and we walked outside. I felt like I had to throw up. My mind was spinning, I couldn’t focus and I thought my brain was going to explode as the emotions started pouring out of me. I initially told him I was bisexual. I was still confused at that point and it was easier to say than gay.
I just remember wanting to cry so badly after I finally said it. I feel embarrassed to cry in front of other people so I forced the tears back as best as I could.
Ross and I are eight years apart. Until he flew me out to Arizona to spend a week with him back when I was in high school, I knew next to nothing about him. He went off to college right before I started 5th grade. We were on totally different schedules so we rarely had time to interact as kids.
Since I came out to Ross on the last night of his visit, we were forced to talk over the phone. Usually I don’t see my brother for 6 months at a time but miraculously he had a client near our home and he was back a month and half later. He went from being an absent person in my life to my mentor in life. He accepted me the split second I told him about my sexuality and I am forever in his debt.
That night marked the first step of my journey towards happiness.