I woke up December 28th, 2010 with a chill traveling down my spine. My nerves have never felt so intense as thoughts flickered through my mind building up unneeded anxiety. After weeks of in-depth conversations with my counselor gearing towards coming out to my parents, I was now staring at the circled day on my calendar in sheer apprehension. I honestly can't really remember much from that day because I couldn't stop myself from thinking at a million miles per second.
My brother and sister were in the family room. "So, are you ready for tonight!?" I was hesitant to reply to their almost simultaneous question but managed a 'yep'. I went back into my room and tried to reminisce on everything my counselor had aided me through and things she advised me to do when this day had come.
Once my dad got home from work, my family (minus my mom) went to the gym. Is it odd that I subconsciously avoided my parents that entire afternoon? I think seeing their faces only reminded me of what was to come, which only triggered a swarm of nerves through me. Luckily my dad was in the cardio section and I stayed hermited in the free weight area, as far away as possible.
Once we got home, dinner time was fast approaching. I started to lose my composure by that point with every second that passed by. I tried to block out my mind while I sat silently eating my pork tenderloin and potato.
I'm not sure what sparked the conversation but my mom started talking about gays! I think she was talking about a friend from church who was gay and how he rejected our invitation to partake in our Christmas Eve party because he wasn't sure if he was going to be safe at our house due to his sexuality. Anyways, she finished her speal with "I just love the gay community."
I felt like time had stopped the second she said that. My brother, sister and I all looked at each other with faint smirks. I was about to come out right after she said that but wimped out. I left the room and started pacing in my bedroom. Honestly, I have never been more uptight and nervous about anything in my entire life.
My siblings walked into my sister's room so I followed. They told me to either tell them tonight or just wait it out because it was starting to get late. I told them I had to come out tonight so we all walked back into the family room where my parents were. My dad had just popped in the newest season of 24 while my mom was folding laundry. I looked at my brother and sister one last time and then hit the Stop button on the remote.
My parent’s attention immediately shifted from the blank television screen over to me. I stood up out of the chair and after five years, finally spoke up. "I have an announcement to make" were the initial words that left my mouth as my entire body was now shaking uncontrollably. My mom dropped the half folded shirt back in the laundry bin while my dad instantly sat up in the couch with concerned faces. The mood of the atmosphere changed drastically.
I tried to keep things positive. I told them that I had done a lot of sole-searching this past six months and I had been figuring out who I am as a person. They both stared at me like they had no clue what was going on. I pressed on and told them I am much more confident now and I have been increasing my self-esteem tremendously.
From there I just said the words I thought I would never say to my parents. "Mom...Dad, I'm gay."
You know when you hear something crazy while you’re sitting down and your whole upper body shoots forward while you remain seated? Yeah, that’s exactly what my parents did. "WHAT!!??" My mom initially shouted. I looked at her, she looked sort of angry and I started crying. I dropped my head into my hands and really started crying. I felt my parents jump out of their seats and positioned themselves on the arms of the chair where I was sitting. They both began reassuring me that they still loved me no matter what. I got ahold of myself and started explaining everything to them. I answered every question they had to the best of my ability, with the help of my brother and sister.
I told them about my high school experiences, my coming out stories, counseling, my spiritual journey, this blog, all of it. They were both stunned. The quiet, reserved child in the family was finally spilling his heart to his parents and it was the best feeling I have ever had.
I didn't have much more of a chance to talk to my parents about it that night since a neighbor came over about ten minutes later and as soon as he left one of my brother’s friends came over. I did sit in my room and talk more with my mom though. I showed her all the things I had accumulated in counseling and she was asking me all sorts of questions. She told me how astonished she was finding about my sexuality. Neither of my parents had the slightest idea, which disappointed my mom because she said she has good gaydar, obviously not. lol
My mom began opening up to me. She told me she has always been very passionate and driven to learn more about the gay community. She and my dad are two of the most open minded people and openly express their opinion on homosexuality. They travel to San Francisco twice a year and love Castro Street. My mom even told me that they tried to go to a Gay Parade but couldn't find one that overlapped the time they were there. She looked at me and said "you know what; I think God was preparing your father and I for a gay child." I couldn't do anything but smile.
That night I left the letter I had written on the kitchen counter. I know that is something my parents will keep forever. It will be interesting to read that letter years from now. Since that night my parents have been extremely open about the entire subject. They are both 100% supportive of me and that is the best Christmas gift I ever could have asked for! I did it you guys, I DID IT!